The day before my birthday. Time to take inventory. I love collectiing things: books, photos, postcards, clothes, craft supplies, but I hate being bogged down by possessions. I have this feeling that one day I will walk out the door with one bag in hand.
I am a contradiction. I want to be in a relationship, but I don't want to answer to another person. I don't want to plan vacations, time off, etc and yet, I don't want to be alone. I love my personal time, but at the same time it is lonely. I really don't think a compromise is possible. I don't believe I will ever be able to give someone all of myself and I certainly don't want all of them. Maybe I wasn't meant to find love in this lifetime, but what then? There's the rub.
I find that as I grow older, I grow more selfish with my thoughts and my time. I find less need to share either with another. But at the same time I want to. I can't believe I have lived with myself this long and still find myself a puzzle. If I don't understand myself, what chance does someone else have?
I miss Mike. I miss him so much it is a physical pain. Yet, I don't regret one minute of his friendship. Guess I was lucky and blessed, unfortunately, he was not.