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Brink of Sanity [userpic]

(no subject)

May 21st, 2010 (09:04 pm)

Today's topic...what do I want to be when I grow up?

I want to be everyone and everything. Really.
I need 10 more credits (two classes) before I get my BS in psychology. I'm going to grad school. I just don't know how, where, or for what. My minor is in neuroscience, but I really don't like doing animal experiments. I would rather work with people. I feel as if I have dissociative identity disorder. In one application, I talk about how I would really fit well into their neuroscience program, at another school I tell them how I've always wanted to study animals, and another, I tell them how much I want to be a part of their counseling program. What I'm really looking for is a program that blends together all of my interests.

I am so afraid of rejection which is almost a guarantee in my field. Only about 10% or less of applicants are accepted and I am NOT getting any younger. It also scares me to start over again in a new place. I would have to find new doctors, a new place to live, new friends....I have had to start over again twice so far in my life and I really don't know if I can live through it again. It is like being reborn and it is more painful than you can imagine.

I want to be a writer. Actually, I am a writer, the question is, how do you become the kind of writer you want to be? I share Dorothy Parker's feeling that writing is like cutting open a vein. It takes so much out of you. I wonder how these writers come out with a new book every few months (it seems). I don't have that kind of stamina.

Did I mention I also want to study anthropology?

Brink of Sanity [userpic]

(no subject)

May 19th, 2010 (11:10 pm)

I need to keep up with my writing. My goal is to finish my novel this year, so, I'm going to TRY to keep up with my journal just as an exercise.

I thought I would start by describing where I live. It is a two story, two bedroom apartment with one bath. I don't know my neighbors mostly because they change frequently. I am in the end apartment, so I really only have one wall that I share. My neighbors fight alot. At night. Mostly in the middle of the night. I've never seen them in the daytime. Do they work all day and fight all night? In the next building, there are people whose hobby it is to sit outside until about 3am talking and laughing. WTH? I like to sleep with my window open, but I really don't want to hear their conversation. I often pray for rain.

There is a guy that lives across the street that likes, for some reason, to park in front of my apartment. He backs awkwardly into the spot directly in front of my front door and then abandons his car for months at a time. He had a flat tire from December until April. Then, one day a moving van appeared and his car disappeared. I got my parking spot back! But now I see his car backed in, awkwardly in front of my neighbor's front door. 0.o I'm afraid to move my car now. I know he is waiting to for my spot to open up.

I think my place is decently decorated. I have some nice things, but not too much. I find that I can't refer to my apartment as my home. It doesn't feel like a home, more like a place where I keep my stuff and sleep. No matter how I try to personalize my space, it seems...temporary. I believe that a home is defined not by what it looks like, but who lives there. It can only be a home if you live with people you love. If I had one wish, it would be to have a home.

Brink of Sanity [userpic]

(no subject)

May 16th, 2010 (01:30 am)

I could have sworn there was a full moon today.

First, I got lost going to work. I was listening to my Phantom soundtrack and drove to school instead of work. Then, I got lost when I tried to turn around. :/

I had customers want me to measure their fabric in meters. (Our system is set up for yards).

I had customers accuse me of measuring incorrectly. I had to measure several times before they believed me.

I had a woman in a wheelchair yell at me because I couldn't cut her packaged foam. (We have foam we cut by the yard, you buy the package for the convenience).

I had a customer tell me the register did not add correctly. 0.o What?

The store needed to cut hours so they told me I needed to leave an hour early. I didn't complain.

Brink of Sanity [userpic]

Wuthering Heights

May 6th, 2010 (11:40 pm)

‘You teach me now how cruel you’ve been—cruel and false. Why did you despise me? Why did you betray your own heart, Cathy? I have not one word of comfort. You deserve this. You have killed yourself. Yes, you may kiss me, and cry; and wring out my kisses and tears: they’ll blight you—they’ll damn you. You loved me—then what right had you to leave me? What right—answer me—for the poor fancy you felt for Linton? Because misery and degradation, and death, and nothing that God or Satan could inflict would have parted us, you, of your own will, did it. I have not broken your heart—you have broken it; and in breaking it, you have broken mine. So much the worse for me that I am strong. Do I want to live? What kind of living will it be when you—oh, God! would you like to live with your soul in the grave?"

I need to stop reading romantic novels.

Brink of Sanity [userpic]

Dirty Little Secret - Sarah McLachlan

April 11th, 2010 (11:50 pm)
Tags:

If I had the chance, love
I would not hesitate
To tell you all the things I never said before
Don't tell me it's too late

Cause I've relied on my illusions
To keep me warm at night
But I denied in my capacity to love
I am willing, to give up this fight

I've been up all night drinking
To drown my sorrow down
Nothing seems to help me since you went away
I'm so tired of this town
Where every tongue is wagging
When every back is turned
Their telling secrets that should never be revealed
There's nothing to be gained from this
But disaster..

If I had the chance, love
I would not hesitate
To tell you all the things I never said before
Don't tell me it's too late

Brink of Sanity [userpic]

Zadie Smith - White Teeth

March 5th, 2010 (11:39 pm)

I found this passage interesting. It's about how you get sucked into relationships and then wonder what the hell you've been doing with this person all these years.

(Edited for length)
Involved. At least that was the right word. Sometimes, especially at bus-stops and on the daytime soaps, you heard people say, “We’re involved with each other.” As if this were a most wonderful state to be in, as if one chose it and enjoyed it. Alsana never thought of it that way. Involved happened over a long period of time, pulling you in like quicksand. It is just a consequence of living in each other’s pockets...one becomes involved and it is a long trek back to being uninvolved. They are not wanting this, they are not willing it – they are just involved, see? They walk IN and they get trapped between the revolving doors of those two v’s. Involved. The years pass and the mess accumulates and here we are.

Brink of Sanity [userpic]

I Need You Now - Lady Antebellum

February 28th, 2010 (01:11 am)
Tags:

Picture perfect memories, scattered all around the floor..
(Not that I would DO this, but I think about it)

Reaching for the phone, cause I can't fight it anymore..

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind, for me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one and I'm all alone and I need you now,
Said I wouldn't call, but I lost all control and I need you now ,
And I don't know how, I can do without, I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door, wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before,

and I wonder if I ever crossed your mind,
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one and i'm a little drunk and I need you now,
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now,
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Brink of Sanity [userpic]

(no subject)

February 19th, 2010 (02:03 am)
Tags:

Fate has an odd sense of humor. The day after my last post, I met a man that actually made me feel good about myself. :)

I don't mistake it for anything else, but it is so amazing when you meet someone for the first time and there is "something". Something that makes you feel warm inside, something that makes you laugh at every lame joke he makes, something that makes you want to touch his hair, remember his smile, and feel something miraculous.

No, it can never go anywhere. I don't harbor illusions.

But to feel again is the greatest gift.

Brink of Sanity [userpic]

I'm A Mess in a Dress....

February 16th, 2010 (11:44 pm)
Tags:

Orianthi - "According To You".

(Why is it I can only find guys who end up seeing me like the first verse? Will anyone ever see me the other way?)

According to you
I'm stupid
I'm useless
I can't do anything right
According to you
I'm difficult
hard to please
forever changing my mind
I'm a mess in a dress
can't show up on time
even if it would save my life
According to you, according to you

But according to him
I'm beautiful
incredible
he can't get me out of his head
According to him
I'm funny
irresistable
everything he ever wanted
Everything is opposite
I don't feel like stopping it
so baby tell what i got to lose
He's into me for everything I'm not according to you

According to you
I'm boring
I'm moody
and you can't take me any place
According to you
I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away
I'm the girl with the worst attention span
youre the boy who puts up with that
According to you, according to you

But according to him
I'm beautiful
incredible
he can't get me out of his head
According to him
I'm funny
irresistable
everything he ever wanted
Everything is opposite
I don't feel like stopping it
so baby tell what i got to lose
He's into me for everything I'm not
according to you

I need to feel appreciated
like I'm not hated. oh no
Why can't you see me through his eyes?
Its too bad you're making me decide.

Brink of Sanity [userpic]

(no subject)

February 8th, 2010 (10:30 pm)

I worry that no one will ever love and accept me like my pets do.